A Korean-American foodie's journey to veganism.
I wish I could say that becoming vegan was a quick transformation for me and that I became a vegan in one decisive move. I have read so many stories of the kind. It sounds so easy and I am envious. While becoming a vegan is inevitable for me, it is at great personal sacrifice. As unpopular as it may sound, I do not think meat tastes gross. I think it is delicious. My passion is to cook, and therefore to eat. My friends and family did not think I could become a vegan, sheerly based on my love for cooking.
Nevertheless, veganism is my destiny. Everything I do, everything I read, leads me down this path. It is manifesting itself. I wish it could be a swift change, but instead it is more like an archaeological dig, slowly and carefully chipping away, then dusting, revealing itself in stages. I no longer try to force it, or advance it more quickly. I am just trying to live in the now and accept myself without judgment. It is a struggle, but it feels more organic to just let it happen.
So, here is my long and sordid story.
DEER ANTLERS AND BEAR PAWS
I dabbled with vegetarianism and veganism when I was 13 through college. At that time, it was less a matter of animal cruelty, and more motivated by an aversion to the questionable dishes my immigrant Korean mother would prepare. Permanently seared into my memory is the intense smell and visual of my mother cooking deer antlers, first shaving, then poaching and then cracking them open to access the crystallized bone marrow. She served the marrow crystals to my father in Cognac to help lower his blood pressure. On another occasion, I opened a pot at home and found what I swear looked like a bear's paw. While probably illegal and close to impossible to procure, never put anything past a Korean mom.
A FALSE START: BACK ON BACON
I abstained from meat until my early 20’s, finally succumbing and indulging, AT WILL. While I always loved to cook from a very young age, it was in my 20’s that my passion for food was really ignited. I wanted to become a great cook. And this time around on the meat, I was not going to be a food pussy. I wanted to try and taste everything. I would read cookbooks and cooking magazines from cover-to-cover, like they were novels. They were more riveting and captivating than any love story. Nothing would be off limits and I would not fear food or be squeamish to trying anything. It was a culinary renaissance.
...AND THEN THERE WAS THOMAS KELLER.
In my early 30’s, I discovered Thomas Keller and it was then that my ideas of food and life began to change. Thomas Keller is famed for his Napa Valley restaurant, The French Laundry, and subsequently Per Se, Bouchon and Ad Hoc. Thomas Keller, recipient of 3 Michelin Stars, is touted as the best chef in the world. He is my idol and inspiration, not so much for his cooking abilities, but more so about his philosophy towards food, family and the world. He cast a light onto my life and changed me forever.
He once spoke about putting rabbit on his menu, during the early years of French Laundry. When the rabbits arrived, they were alive. He was most definitely expecting them to be ready for cooking. It occurred to him that he should kill and prepare the rabbits himself, so as not be removed from knowing the life of the animal. It was a difficult and emotional experience. It makes me cringe recounting the story now. The outcome was somewhat of enlightenment. He could no longer separate the live, cuddly animal from the dead meat he prepared. He truly valued the life of that rabbit, not so much that he would not kill it, but I digress...
Thomas Keller is well known for using every part of the animal, from brain to snout, hooves to bones, innards to outers, creating heavenly and exquisite fare. Keller’s intention was to honor the life of the rabbits, and all animals, by never wasting any part of it, even wanting to crawl into the oven with the rabbit to ensure that the sacrifice of its life was not for... not.
Keller also writes about being mindful and present when cooking. To burn a loaf of bread not only dishonors the farmer who grew and harvested the grain, but also the people involved in processing, packaging and delivery, and anyone who had a hand in bringing it to you, not to mention a waste to the environment. Keller also discussed the importance in high quality, organic meat, of animals treated kindly and humanely. He stressed how important it is to respect any life you take and prepare it with reverence and mindfulness. It is hard not to roll my eyes at this philosophy in hindsight. The best way to honor a life is to let it live! Nevertheless, Keller was a crucial inspiration for me to head towards veganism.
THE END OF NON-ORGANIC MEAT
At this point, I had been living with the nagging desire to stop eating meat. I didn’t know how to start. No one thought I could do it. My entire life revolved around food, cooking and eating. I would have regular “Iron Chef” parties at my house. At that time, I had a decadent and giant kitchen. I would invite 20 people over, and each hour one or two people would make a course for the entire party. This would go one for many hours and people loved showcasing meat, me being the worst offender.
So, how did I begin down that path toward veganism? Keller brought on the initial change. I decided to give up any meat that was not Step-4 certified organic, humanely raised. Dairy and eggs were harder when you went out to eat, but at home, certified organic. Since wild (vs. farm raised) fish cannot be organic, it was the only non-organic meat I was consuming.
VEAL STOCK. YES, YOU JUST READ THAT.
Before giving up non-organic meat, I was obsessed with cooking out of the French Laundry Cookbook. My favorite dish was Yabba Dabba Do. It required a veal stock that took 4 days to make, yielding 8 cups. I would actually take my vacation days off work to make veal stock.
I was disheartened by the idea that I would never again cook with veal stock. But, I could no longer find a way to reconcile it in my mind after reading Diet For a New America. All the glimpses I had heard about veal, and what I had long suspected but compartmentalized, were confirmed. I was apoplectic. I could spit leather. A convert for life.
Yes, I was still cooking humanely raised and certified organic meat, but there was nothing that could drive me back to the arms of golden veal stock. Shortly after abstaining from veal, I met some friends for dinner at Craft, Top Chef’s Tom Collichio’s restaurant in Century City. The menu was eclectic with southern influences, one of the side dishes being butter beans! There was also “milk-fed veal”. When the young waiter arrived, I asked him about this dish. He said the baby calves are strictly fed milk their entire lives. I asked him if that was to supposed to take the edge off of being cruelly imprisoned, tortured then prematurely murdered. My comments were met with smirks and uncomfortable chuckles by my dinner companions. Most would be horrified, but everyone who knows me, knows that I irreverent, emphatic and irrepressible.
CRUELTY-FREE AND THE END OF LEATHER AND WOOL
Shortly thereafter, I began working at Paramount Vantage, the specialty film division, as a movie trailer editor. The first two weeks were spent watching all the movies coming up on the docket: An Inconvenient Truth, Year of Dog, There Will Be Blood, No Country for Old Men, Babel, Black Snake Moan, Son of Rambow, Foot Fist Way, Into the Wild, A Mighty Heart, The Kite Runner and Arctic Tale. Needless to say, it was a sobering two weeks and I was emotionally wrecked. Perhaps this made me more vulnerable and impressionable. It seemed like a channel had been opened in my mind and spirit. After watching Year of the Dog, a dark comedy about an unremarkable secretary who finds meaning and a higher power in becoming vegan and an animal activist, I would never be the same. The images of rows of rabbits imprisoned in head stocks, waiting to be tested with cosmetics...
From that point on, I would only use cruelty-free cosmetics. I gathered all of my leather and suede, most of my wool, any cashmere, mohair and began to jettison them. If there was anyone who ever admired a certain leather clothing item or accessory of mine, I gave it to them. This was like a dagger in my heart. These leather pants were like butter and fit me like I was the cow’s body from which it was skinned. (I know, gross.) Gone and good riddens. As an avid knitter, I also had to jettison my stock piles of amazing wool and cashmere. I was quite popular among my friends at the time.
So, I got rid of just about everything. But, I did keep some dress shoes, especially the Stuart Weitzmans, Rene Caovillas and specialty shoes. I also kept my on-the-road-to-groadie Uggs, some belts and a few wool sweaters and coats, because sometimes a girl needs to dress like a lady and I loathe being cold. And, who really wants those disgusting Uggs?! I always have to compartmentalize when I put them on, but feel like I am honoring the life of the animal sacrificed each time I wear any of it. I do still wear silk. I know that is forboden to die-hards, but I have not yet read the compelling information to take me across that bridge.
I was getting pretty heavy into the environment at this time too. People found me to be extreme, but I was and still am mild in the broad spectrum. And, everything I do is extreme, so that meant nothing to me.
MOTHERHOOD
It was an interesting opportunity to raise my daughter, Gia, with a completely different philosophy around food. Like a typical, neurotic, West LA mom, I made all of my baby food, of course using organic, fair-trade, local produce. Pretty much anything my daughter ate at home was fresh and minimally, if at all, processed. Little did I know the golem I was creating. Now, at the age of 4, this girl will not eat canned, frozen or processed food.
Two years into motherhood, I wanted to take the next step in my vegan journey. I decided that I would watch every movie and read every book, until I could no longer abide. I had already read Diet for a New America. I then watched: Future of Food, Fast Food Nation, Supersize Me, Food Matters and Food, Inc. I then read Omnivore’s Dilemma and Animal Factory. (I am too scared to watch Earthlings.) There was no going back at that point. I had drank the Kool Aid and was moving off the grid.
My biggest surprise was learning about the environmental impact of raising meat and the devastating demise of the farming industry. This on top of the insanity of mass-producing meat?! As I mentioned earlier, I was already heading toward Defcon 2 on the environment. This only re-ignited my passion for the environment and for animals.
From this point on, I gave up all meat, dairy, eggs and honey. I spent the first 6 months really hungry and weak. It was an adjustment, especially since I was cooking a completely different set of food for my husband and daughter. Sometimes, I just didn’t have it in me to make a great meal for myself. I ate a whole lot of PB&J.
I was most afraid to give up cheese. Oh, how I loved cheese! Now, years past? Not such a big deal. Cheese? Meh. It wasn’t anything at all. I miss baked goods, so butter and eggs are the two long-lost lovers that I can’t stop thinking about. We’re like ships passing in the night.
Despite all of my extreme views, I never proselytized. It was personal and I did not expect anyone to live by my code. Most times, when people would ask about my conversion, I would be met with hostility and would be proselytized to. People would tell me how humans were the dominant species on the planet, therefore had the right to use any and all of the resources however we saw fit. My Korean mother told me I would die if I didn’t eat meat. Gee, if our roles were reversed, I do not think I would be met with the same level of acceptance.
For goodness sakes, I still cook meat for my mom, sisters, husband, daughter and friends, upon their emphatic insistence. I feel like I am pretty tolerant and try to just focus on myself. I do believe that I have reached a lot of people this way. I am not preaching, judgmental or hostile. People usually engage me into this conversation. I never bring it up.
MY DAUGHTER IS AN OMNIVORE, AND I LOVE HER.
I had decided to cook some steaks as a reward for my husband after his 75-mile bike race in Big Bear. I purchased two high-end rib-eye steaks from McCall’s in Silver Lake. This was certified organic, Angus beef, marinated with olive oil, French sea salt with freshly ground Tellicherry Black Peppercorns. It was Gia’s first steak. Upon her first taste, Gia said, “I love steak. I want to eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner”. When I went to Whole Foods to get another steak a week later, Gia said, “No, don’t buy it at Whole Foods, go to McCalls!”. So yes, she eats meat, as does my husband. There is nothing that would ever make my husband give up meat. His family thinks I am a freak show, and maybe that’s a good thing. My sister-in-law in Arkansas asked me what vegan meant. When I told her, she said, “Gross”, in between cigarette puffs and extra large bites of mashed potatoes and gravy. I knew I was on the right track.
My daughter knows I do not eat any meat besides fish. She likes to talk about it and tell people about it. After watching Tinkerbell The Great Fairy Rescue, she asked why the scientist father was catching butterflies and pinning them on his wall and why he wanted to do the same with Tinkerbell. I told her that some people think it is ok to hurt animals and bugs. I told her I did not agree and that is why I don’t eat any meat but fish, but want to give that up too.
Gia: “I want to be a vegan too”.
Mom: “Sure, it’s your choice”.
(A brief moment of silence.)
Gia: “Is bacon meat?”
Mom: ‘Yes, bacon is meat.”
Gia: “Is chicken skin meat?”
Mom: “Yes, chicken skin is meat?”
Gia: “Never mind.”
This kind of dialogue goes on pretty regularly between us. I am guessing she will turn to vegetarianism and maybe even veganism. While I love animals, this girl is completely obsessed with caring for, protecting and rescuing animals. On our trip to Animal Acres, she let giant Turkey Lurkey eat all of our blueberries. The entire container! It was like $8. He was actually holding her hostage, in the nicest of ways. She was vigorously petting his sides and every time she tried to stop, he would peck her, and that’s after he ate our vegan lunch.
Gia asked me once why Cruella deVille was trying to capture all those puppies. I long decided to tell Gia the truth in the kindest of ways, in an age appropriate way. I told her she wanted their fur to make a giant coat for herself.
Gia: “Those puppies would be very cold.”
Mom: “Those puppies would be dead.”
This is when I explained about which animals can be shaved and which ones have to be murdered so people may wear their skin. I also explained that the ones who are shaved are generally not treated very well either. I told her this is why I do not wear leather, suede, fur, minimal wool and have cloth seats in my car for heaven’s sakes. Needless to say, Gia does not wear leather or animal products. Both of our cosmetic lines are vegan and cruelty-free.
Gia is being raised with a completely different philosophy than I ever was, towards the planet, animals and the world around us. These issues were not on my mom’s radar. They were... petty in the grand scheme of her daily life in Korea. She said she and the other girls in the village would hide in the hay stacks so the soldiers would not rape them. They had so little food and clean water that they really could not afford to say no to what they could find. Maybe this is why my meat abstinence would make her bristle, that is was a choice only a privileged life could be afforded. In modern colloquiallism, these are rich-West LA-girl problems.
Now that I am 41 and my mom is 70, she is coming around. She is making only fish based dishes for me and doesn’t question my intentions anymore. She has accepted them and seems to enjoy re-inventing her old Korean dishes. My mother has come a long way from her voo-doo bear-paw-rattlesnake-powder-deer-antler-blood-crystal ways.
THE FINAL BREAK-UP WITH THE BAD RELATIONSHIP.
A huge coup for me? I stopped drinking my nemesis, Diet Coke, in one swift move. I read that the dye came from bugs! In the same article, I learned that coating on shiny candies, like Skittles and jelly beans, was made from secretions of the Lac Bug. Done and done. Honey was never a big issue for me, so a no brainer in abstaining, but it can be hard to get around in cooking and baking. Agave is just not the same, but alas, who really wants to eat bee vomit anyways?
PESCETARIANISM
So, here I am at an impass. Fish is the final frontier. 2011 was supposed to be my last year eating any fish. I still struggle with this. I want something bold to bring me over this threshold, like I have done so many other times in the past. I want to get on with it and be full vegan. Alas, here we are in 2012 and I am still eating salmon, shellfish and smaller fish like sardines, anchovies, etc. I love it so much. I probably eat fish once a week.
I do admit to indulging in a special non-vegan dessert here of there or a special meat meal on a rare occasion. See, I am not Defcon 5. I am NO radical. But, I am passionate and sincere in my commitment towards animals and the environment. It’s such a conundrum. I want to STOP ALL ANIMAL DERIVATIVES, but I just have not gotten there in my process. This is where I just need to be patient and let it unfold. Breath in. Breathe out. Serenity now.
I read an article in the LA Times about Tal Ronnen, the chef who catered a vegan wedding for Ellen Degeneris and Portia de Rossi. Steve Wynn asked Tal to make vegan dishes at all 22 of his restaurants in Las Vegas. Former Mc. Donald’s executives asked for his help in launching a healthful fast-food restaurants. And, if you are still reading this epic blog, you will find this excerpt from the LA Times interesting. It spoke to me on so many levels. I too want to help the vegan movement forward and align with Tal’s philosophies.
“...But here's the real secret behind his ascension to first-name-only status as a vegan rock-star chef: He thinks like a meat eater.
"So many people tell me, 'I could be a vegan if it weren't for bacon,' and I tell them, 'Be a "vegan" who eats bacon,'"...
Wha? Isn't that sacrilegious?
Ronnen sighs. "Real militant vegans hate when I say that. But if you are cutting back on the amount of meat that you eat, you're still doing something great for your health, for the planet and for the animal."
He's part of a new breed of vegans and vegetarians who are taking the movement back from those militants brandishing bumper stickers that admonish us not to eat anything with a face. Ronnen and others like him, including author Kathy Freston, urge the masses to "lean into" vegetarianism and veganism by simply embracing a vegetarian or vegan meal a few times a week. If they have a rallying cry, it just might be "Meatless Mondays."
Their target audience is meat eaters who are intrigued by going vegan or vegetarian, but are afraid to give up meat (especially bacon) because they fear they'll spend the rest of their lives looking at a plate of rabbit food. And Ronnen doesn't blame them.
"I just can't do the 'throw some vegetables and a starch on a plate' thing," he says. "That's the problem with most vegan dishes. It's a portobello mushroom cap, or a pasta primavera, and when you're finished with dinner you have to hit the drive-through. You have to give people something that will satisfy them. And that's a protein-based plate."
The classically trained chef believes it's his mission to inspire chefs across the country to take on that challenge. "If I could get one point across, it would be this: Being a vegan is not about depriving yourself. If you sit around eating lettuce and carrots all day because that's what you think vegans are doing, you're doing it wrong."
This relatively simple approach — designing a vegan menu with the protein front and center, not just paying it lip service — is nonetheless revolutionary in the food world. And Ronnen takes it several steps beyond: He is leading the way in transforming vegan fare into haute cuisine.
"We're just beginning to see what is possible with vegan food, and Tal is at the forefront of that movement," says Bon Appétit restaurant editor Andrew Knowlton. "Tal is an artist. He is just beginning to open a window onto the possibilities of what vegan food can look like."
It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment when the vegan movement started to change. Freston, the blond dynamo at its forefront and author of the new book "Veganist," credits a perfect storm. The eco-friendly movement took notice of the environmental costs of eating meat. The economic slide and rising food costs nudged beef, chicken and pork closer to the "luxury" side of the ledger. Add in the health benefits and celebrity-and-beauty quotient — the gossip mags breathlessly announcing that "Glee" star Lea Michele's sleek new body could be attributed to a vegan diet, for example — and it was on.
But the movement can go only so far without taste. And that's where Ronnen comes in. "This is about delicious food," said Wynn, who recently adopted a vegan lifestyle for health reasons, lost 30 pounds and called for the menu makeovers at his restaurants so he would always have something to eat.
Revamping the Wynn menus has not just been good for the boss. It's been good for business: Wynn says they've been a hit with customers, and are creating a new niche market for those who want more than greasy, fatty food options or a buffet.
Ronnen became a vegetarian as a teenager to impress a girl, and then went vegan for humanitarian and health reasons. A graduate of New York's Natural Gourmet Institute, Ronnen pays homage to French culinary roots by taking those classic elements and playing with the layered flavors and textures until he finds a vegan alternative. "I love that challenge, trying to come up with something vegan that is as good or better."
Although the fanfare surrounding Ronnen has been a boon for his business — his cookbook, "The Conscious Cook," became a New York Times bestseller and was repeatedly named one of the best cookbooks of 2009...
It's his behind-the-scenes role as a guide and a teacher that excites Ronnen most. Trying to make a seafood stew? Sautéed oyster mushrooms can offer up a texture similar to the seafood that shares their name. The flaky texture of a crab cake is easily reproduced, he says, using fresh hearts of palm braised in seaweed. Looking for a smoky seafood flavor? Toast sheets of nori, grind them up and use it as a dusting or flavor accent. Eggless pasta is one of his specialties. He reaches for Gardein protein — he is a consultant for the popular vegan line of meat substitutes — whenever a dish calls for chicken or beef.
But what about butter and cream? No problem, Ronnen says. He uses an olive oil spread for butter, and a silky "cream" made of cashews that have been soaked overnight and then pulverized until the texture reaches luxurious. Truly, it's hard to tell the difference.
Ronnen believes it's his mission to help move the vegan movement forward. He volunteered to work his way across the Cordon Bleu culinary program's campuses, offering demos and tutorials. It's a calculated bid to encourage new culinary students to think vegan before they head out into the nation's kitchens.
So this is where I stand on my mission to become a vegan. I just want to do less harm and the best I can today.
my favorite vegan things:
Soba Noodles with Trader Joe’s Spicy Peanut Vinaigrette
Trader Joe’s Tofu Vietnamese Spring Roll with Peanut Sauce
Bay Cities Tomato Basil Baguette
Trader Giotto’s Bruschetta (next to the hummus in cold section, not in the jar)
Wayfare Cheddar Sauce
O Soy Yogurt
Helen Cutler, Los Angeles, CA
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